am i better off a quiter :(

There's a limit of being moody! i told myself which only made my inner self get more moody .. i told myself I'm gonna be a realistic ! Well the inner me just chuckled at me...  I told myself gonna choose the same flavors of juice my friends drink everyday but instead I made a another weird choice successfully .. told myself i must pick favorite color for myself but all the colors gazed at me furiously .. i decided to listen like the others  to the doctor in the session today well i did for about half minute then i imagined weird funny things -_- .. I told myself I'd learn to like kids but i hated them more... i wanted a mature mind like the other walkers on earth but the more i wanted this i become more childish & selfish, said i won't be so emotional regarding the ending in stupid girly series but i still cry like a baby in the sad & happy seines :"> , i tried to be cool & talk less with people but i just lose control & talk & talk & talk so just know this its a hobby of mine .. i wanted to be cool like an anime character without getting excited about new silly things but i couldn't change :p ,, wanted to learn to drink tea other than breakfast time but it turned to be such a disgusting drink when you drink it without cheese in your mouth yuck! .. Tried not to comment when people do a fashion crime but couldn't hold up my tongue... So thanks to all my friends whom tolerated me & still do every single day <3

morning sun

the smell of sun get me nauseous in the early mornings .. i wake up with this heavy head like a drunk person .. its like I'm having hangovers every single day though i haven't held a bottle of liquor in my hand in my entire life .. also i feel stupid in the early mornings .. my head's so heavy yet so empty .. i feel like emptying everything in my stomach but there's nothing to be emptied .. if i had the guts to dare god's orders I'd blow up my mind just to relieve this pain .. every single morning i feel like screaming & crying .. i think I'm already sick like my sis & I'm not aware of it .. 

The man i fell in love with :">

I was right from the moment my eyes laid on you ! 


 i knew he is an angel .. 


the closer i get to him the more i get filled with fear .. I'm afraid that he'll see me very corrupted, I'm afraid that he'll despise me someday because of my bad qualities, I'm scared that people around him might dislike him because of me, I'm frightened to lose him, i feel safe & warm when I'm near him, i feel pure, i never want to lose this feeling .. he got this kind warm aura which i love so much .. he's innocent like little kid the thing that makes me worried about him all the time I'm afraid that some may misunderstand him for it or use it against him, I'm afraid if he get hurt by people for his kindness.. also i fear that i don't deserve him , no i believe so, I'm so much corrupted compared to him he is the light and i represent the darkness, I'm a selfish cruel person & very greedy one, i can't believe how he loves me , i feel bad when i think like this, he has very good qualities not just me who says this he is acknowledged by all, this makes me both happy and sad, happy because I'm in love with a guy like him yet so sad that it makes me feel bad about myself to think that he deserves a better much better person, i love this love I'm having for him,, the way it makes me at ease, the way he comforts me, cares about me i feel lucky , i never want to lose you , i can't tolerate losing you never please my angel never leave me .. 


he always finds the right things to say .. so stubborn when he wants a certain thing the most what i like about him :p he got the nicest sweetest voice i've ever heard :"> i love him above all , my precious baboosh, may Allah keep you safe for me .. for me.. only me .. i never tolerate it when he is a little sad because of me when  i get angry i hurt him but i don't mean it, its out of jealousy or when i get him in a wrong way, he is a true gentle man my baboosh & I'm ready to do anything for him even if it costs me my life. 

don't go ..

test .. test ..


been ages since the last time i've posted here .. well i've been busy lots happened /


my angel baboosh just called me now to tell me that he is getting on the plain with his friends to turkey .. i miss him so much .. when i think about him i get tears in my eyes :*(, i couldn't hold my tears the past 2 days and i annoyed you i'm sorry i know i'm so selfish i want you for me alone , i hate sharing you, i get jealous from your friends :p, but hate to see you sad, i hope he doesn't think that i don't want him to enjoy and be happy, i do want him to be happy all time and have fun with his friends but i love him so much & i miss him thats why i can't hold my tears and be cruel with him, hurt him non-deliberately , i can't live without you my angel.. 

i slept all the day trying to make the day pass , I'm depressed that he's not going to be here tomorrow morning I'm so much used to hear his gentle voice on the phone calling me noona .. or the sounds he make when he's sleepy .. i'm going to miss him tonight, i wish to talk to you like every night :( i miss you baby baboosh .. i miss the way you care about me, how you tell me that  i shouldn't be late at night, how you follow up my sleep, eating pattern, i miss imitating you and your laughing about it .. i even miss the way we fight and make up soon after ... i miss your passion :"> .. come home soon , i'm waiting please come soon , i can't stand it, 12 days are too long for me , i'm counting the hours, to be able to talk to you .. i'm scared to recieve my exam results and you're not here, i love you, baboosh above all <3 my cute angel . my baby baboosh, my one and only, my everything . 

><" broken heart syndrome

my advice to people : When the time comes for you to give your heart to someone make sure that you select someone who will never break your heart coz broken hearts have no spare parts :( ..



<< i just remembered how he broke my heart :**( that alien b 

nanda watash ?

i've lost the real me among the too many characters i played, or i just wonder if the true me really existed ?!sometimes i wonder about that " real me " was it that brown haired girl little bit gloomy ? or was it that smiling childish face or this one that scares me a lot this grudge filled one ? did i manage becoming this nerd i always tried to be, the naive one hiding behind these fake looking glasses i started using one year ago ?, am i still this girl that don't know which is her favorite color ? oh, wait a second its the green that  i like these days the color of the aliens that i dream of so often, i feel old now, old enough to start having my own student like my teacher did with me 5 years ago yet i can't find the me to teach !. some think I'm depressed well i never felt mind peace like i do these days thank God , still my half a year plan paid off perfectly i got my revenge i ask of nothing more than this and don't care of what happens because i chose this path myself i chose to be unable to recognize who am i. instead of faking all the time, faking smiles, faking conversations, faking friendships ... i'm sick of faking .. except when i'm near  the alien  i don't fake i'm hypnotized to be able to fake you penetrate through me with your eyes ... 

negari boshi

FRIENDships & LOVE happen once like a shooting star they burn so bright but once they're out its never going to burn again .. please alien b don't let my love for you burn-out please :( 

guilty

I'll never forgive myself for destroying the manga i spent so much time drawing it, i no longer have the guts to hold the pen and draw i feel guilty :( i want to hold the pen and draw alien b  but i can't i just freeze i need therapy for this one although natzi chan was tempting me today to draw :p  and he asked me if i quit drawing in his cool way making a simple joke :)) i hope i'll get back drawing and enjoy like i used to ^^ wish me luck <3 well i need tons of luck with my unlucky state :| 

my music taste !!

my music taste thanks to my brother got so weird especially lately , a mixture of slipknot \ hinder \ Marilyn Manson was the last straw i feel sick sometimes just by listening to him but i like his style i know creepy and a little bit sickish !!
so much rock music disturbs your internal peace & sanity which turns you into this wild creature .. so i manage to balance by some girly girly songs :p .. i must listen to girly songs when alien b makes me happy <3 and does something nice or tells me something nice i  love you so much  my angel .. i also listen to rock music to express my anger sometimes >:) .. but with all kinds of rock music i listen to HINDER  remains my NUMBER 1  band <3 <3 that'll never change ,their music is life saving to me,  though i don't recommend my taste for no one can tolerate it usually ^___^' 

snuff

 I'm not gonna talk about alien b this time ... although i can't stop myself from doing so .. i love him so much ,  i love him to the point that  no one can ever imagine :p .. i can't believe that such pure creature like him exists on this planet .. he is an angel for sure ... wanna hug him :''> and never let go .. 

anyways i am here to talk about a song ! yup .. named SNUFF  i find it very very very perfect .. the lyrics is just awesome .. can't stop from listening to it over & over & over .. its a really great song i recommend everyone to listen to <3
 

chop sticks

my heart is about to burst  .. still in shock .. absolute  shock + its the happiest day of my life .. << i don't know if its the happiest day in my life or I'm just having a dream a very sweet dream ...  I'm having tachycardia for hours ,, can't stop myself from smiling stupidly .. Alien B .. you made me so happy today,, so happy that I'm so scared of tomorrow when you return ignoring me and be so cold & give me your back  giving me a cold shoulder and avoiding eye contact but thats OK ... i  just want to live the moment but I'm the scared type , the worried type ... GOD I'm shaking like a leaf ,, can't believe it :((   ... i love you so much, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you the most , there's no one in this planet compared to you, you are so pure you are not human you are an alien you are an angel-alien <3 i can't stop myself from loving you and never will .. you sweet innocent alien ... my precious ... king of my heart <3 ... my soul  ... my everything ... i wish i die right now cuz I'm happy .. no one ever made me this happy my love ,my only love ... please i don't want tomorrow to come , i want to live the moment ... thank you it is the most precious gift i've ever received i'll hold on to it till the day i die .. i can't express it by words i wanted to hug you in front all the people but i thought you'll hate me :( ... please be gentle and love me a little like today :( please ... i love you alien B .. "baboosh" ... <3 

my valentine although i don't know the hell this word means just suited the words below :p

there is just no WAY i would give up on loving you i realize that now huh! ... never ... even if i moved on,,  you are the one and last true love ...  i won't love another man like you never ... for me you are so precious ... more than anything else , more than anyone in this world ... I'd die for you ... Alien B i love you and i'll always will till my last breath i'll have hope  ,,, you are so cold and cruel .. still i love you no matter what you do ... no matter what ... how much i get hurt by you ignoring me it won't stop me from loving you ... i cry silently ,,, still i love you ... its something i can't control ... you give me love i can't describe <3 
please love me a little .. i'm so tired so tired of hoping :( 

scattred points about noona

i have some weird habits like chewing gums i chewed several days ago :p and then stick them on tables or any side i find around me .. you might get disgusted by this but thats how i work :p 

i also speak during sleep .. i also make weird noises " noted by my friend and family ".. its creepy ~_~"  i know .. the last time i told the person who called me while i was sleeping that anti fungals are useful drugs hhhhh thats much i was told  :| 

i only drink tea with cheese ... other than that i really hate it .. to me its related to breakfast only ... 


i have a very weird taste in music , i never found my match friend in music yet .. hopefully I'll do ~__~"

i also entered this quite phase of my life .. i feel old :(

i really really hate goodbyes i get so emotional like a little kid ... 


i cry alot as some people complain but its not like i cry without a reason .. its because you don't know what it feels so people  shhh not interested in your opinions !  


the scary thing about me is that my brain has three areas the 1st one is for cute and ppl i love the second one is for regular ppl with no particular emotions towards then the 3rd is area for ppl I'm disgusted from .. and its instantaneously if someone fell to one of the area will remain there for so long if not forever :p 

endless ...

sometimes death suits some people perfectly .. " Lelouch Lamperouch " i envy you .. i just want a similar carriage that you crushed your tired body on to it carrying your lifeless body towards endless green fields ahead .. i envy you because you'll never feel tired again ,... you'll never see so many meaningless people around you again ... you'll never face countless disappointments anymore ... you'll never be bothered by the annoying knock inside your chest ... not bounded by hours ... you are silently timeless forever ... although i feel my color is fading from this worlds but still not enough to catch up that carriage yet :( ...
noona ~  

flash back

the Thursday before the new year's eve .. me and my friend went buying B-day presents.. that day on way back to my parents pharmacy i was 1 cm away to be hit by a car which i wish it did .. I'd now be in an another world .. dead .. free from all these obligations ..cruelty around me .. or I'd get amnesia forget about alien B .. i really don't know what to tell you alien B ... I'M JUST Tired of all disappointments i've been through this year especially.. . 

:( i'm nothing

i can't express how I'm feeling right now its the most sad feeling i've ever felt .. 

i feel so much useless .. so stupid .. because this is too much for my heart to endure anymore  

i was rejected by the only person i loved and still had hope like an idiot bitch and I'm a total loser in school i'm always ending in the bottom of the scores and i'm not that retarded i study hard when its time of study i try i understand the subjects .. but still finish last its painful so painful to be like this help me Allah take me from this cruel world .. i wasn't like this i  wasn't this stupid i used to be the top of my class i used to be happy i used to be something but now am just an easy stupid girl that sucks in every aspect of life and damn  my dreams are just so little and small but luck makes it so impossible , i just wanted to be like the others sometimes .. like not finishing always last its disappointing ... my life is so disappointing  .. i loved a guy with all my heart more than anything in the world and told him my feelings honestly and he just turned me down without explanation in a blink .. i hate my life i wish i die right now because nothing will ever make me happy after this i lost my fate in the word "happy" ... i wish i never met this kind of fake people around me ..  i wish i had someone to cry for and understand me ... i wish i could tell that someone that I'm sad so sad i never been like this i used to be good . i wasn't this easy that idiot made me like this i wish i never loved you  ... its so accumulative this pain ..          first alien B and now this i no longer have the ability to stand and smile like i always do ... move on say tomorrow is better because i cry every night and tomorrow is never OK for me ...  I'm so tired ...  i wish God takes my soul soon  because ... stupid people like me don't deserve to live .   

 

 

Alien B

i love you more than life itself ... 

you are so pure like a snow flake ... i love you because you are not a show off like the other guys ..
i love you because you are so quite ... i love you because you are so different ... i love you because you are "you" <3 
and it kills me inside that you don't even like me ..
i know that you get upset by me stuck on loving you but believe me i tried to forget about you and move on but just can't because i love you more than everything else in the world.. more than you could ever imagine .. i can only stay away so-as not to bother you anymore ...
i feel like a stalker .. but i don't care .. i also feel like an easy bad girl :(( .. when you are near the air i breathe becomes so heavy .. my heart aches and its like being ripped out of my ribcage .. I'm really sorry i wish i didn't feel like this and never troubled you but there's nothing i can do so don't hate me please .. 

~ old friend ~

your colors are fading from my world ... where are you? ... i really miss you ... i really miss reading your complex stories ... i miss you encouraging me to write ... i miss your advices ... i don't feel like my old self without you ... "Barion" do you even remember me ? ... teacher i have too many things to tell you ... i did what you told me i've become a med. student ... i write about my feelings ... but I'll never be like you teacher ... i faced the type of senseless people you warned me from and just like you I'm looking for that city where mind peace lies ... have you ever find the Gotham city you talked about with the others ? ... did your nameless story got to an end ? ... do remember that you promised me a copy ? ... where ever you are ... ''Bari'' be safe ... 

البلوزات ذات الشبقــــة :)

this type of blouse i absolutely love .. I'm proud of everyone who wears it and proud of those who wear it on most of the days of the week like myself for example :)) i have a good number of these and intend to get a very big collection in the future Inshalaah .. even alien B has one <3 love you ... back to the point .. these blouses i started to like since a long time ago which i don't remember exactly when but it can be tracked down back to years :p ,, those are like the ~* magical blouses *~ .. and once a friend of my friend told her a very beautiful line about these blouses which sums all my love in one sentence :- 
" if it was a bag of flour with a hood I'd wear it " 

i came up with these advantages i like to share here ~
the advantages :
1- if you are a thin which i mean really really thin person it'll get you some extra pounds << totally i have no idea why i used the pound as a measuring unit :p so just go with the flow here .. I'm feeling high and feverish ;p
2- if you are a chubby person , it'll help you take some of the extra pounds and adds cuteness to you ^_^
3- if you are obese it'll not take the extra kilos hhhh but it'll give your jelly belly a cute shape and gives you an element of  cuteness so i recommend obese people to wear it constantly @__@ 
4- if you are going out in hurry then its the perfect outfit to choose cuz its fast to wear .. fast to take off and comes with different colors and styles ^o^ .

5- if you are a cute person then you should wear those cuz it'll make you super extra cute like alien B <3 i love you :(( 
6- if you want to buy your girl friend \ close friend \ brother \ anyone a present it suits as a very cute present .. 
7- it is the best out fit for work , cold days , shopping , etc..
 8- if you are looking for a comfy warm clothing those are THE ones you're looking for :) .
*if i find some other advantages or you have some in your mind please do tell <3 


the disadvantages :

none >:))))